Big Whopper with cheese
I know I post about a variety of things on this blog. I try to keep it predominantly about Nursing as it is what has enveloped my life for the past 2-3 years. I have also written about being a single mom, my nutty family, and widowhood. Tonight I need to post about the latter.
I knew it was coming, I just didn't expect it so soon and so early. Ari had her first emotional break down just a few hours ago. We were sitting on the couch talking about the day and Ari mentions something about her Nana and Poppa being old. She asked me if they were going to die and go to Heaven like her Daddy. I told her, "Yes they will one day get sick and die and they will meet her Daddy in Heaven". I felt compelled at this point to explain more about Heaven. I told her it was a wonderful place where you are always happy, and people never get sick or hurt themselves. I told her that I also believe that they can watch us from Heaven and that Daddy is watching us every once in awhile but we just can't see him.
It was then she said and started crying "I miss my Daddy in Heaven, I want to see him." She cried for quite a bit while I just hugged her. It's still breaking my heart.
I told her how happy her Daddy was that he got to live long enough to see her when she was a baby. And I told her that when he was sick, he was hurting a lot from the cancer, but once he went to heaven, he didn't hurt anymore. I told her we still have each other and the two of us are a team. Then, I offered up some photos for awhile and we watched an old video of Mike. She fell asleep watching it.
I thought I was prepared for it but it took me by surprise, coming home, late from clinicals and I felt a little knocked over. I guess I expected her to be older before she felt the loss. She grieves more for losing a Daddy, not particularly her Daddy. She can't remember him fully, she was 4 months old when he died. But then, maybe she does in a way, as she has seen so many pictures of him, and heard so many stories. Her memories might be false, but they have to be good at least.
Mike and Ari 2001
I still miss him too