Feb 3, 2006

Big Whopper with cheese

I know I post about a variety of things on this blog. I try to keep it predominantly about Nursing as it is what has enveloped my life for the past 2-3 years. I have also written about being a single mom, my nutty family, and widowhood. Tonight I need to post about the latter.

I knew it was coming, I just didn't expect it so soon and so early. Ari had her first emotional break down just a few hours ago. We were sitting on the couch talking about the day and Ari mentions something about her Nana and Poppa being old. She asked me if they were going to die and go to Heaven like her Daddy. I told her, "Yes they will one day get sick and die and they will meet her Daddy in Heaven". I felt compelled at this point to explain more about Heaven. I told her it was a wonderful place where you are always happy, and people never get sick or hurt themselves. I told her that I also believe that they can watch us from Heaven and that Daddy is watching us every once in awhile but we just can't see him.
It was then she said and started crying "I miss my Daddy in Heaven, I want to see him." She cried for quite a bit while I just hugged her. It's still breaking my heart.
I told her how happy her Daddy was that he got to live long enough to see her when she was a baby. And I told her that when he was sick, he was hurting a lot from the cancer, but once he went to heaven, he didn't hurt anymore. I told her we still have each other and the two of us are a team. Then, I offered up some photos for awhile and we watched an old video of Mike. She fell asleep watching it.
I thought I was prepared for it but it took me by surprise, coming home, late from clinicals and I felt a little knocked over. I guess I expected her to be older before she felt the loss. She grieves more for losing a Daddy, not particularly her Daddy. She can't remember him fully, she was 4 months old when he died. But then, maybe she does in a way, as she has seen so many pictures of him, and heard so many stories. Her memories might be false, but they have to be good at least.

Mike and Ari 2001

I still miss him too


At 07:27, Anonymous Anonymous said...

He was one of the finnest men i have ever had the vast fortune to call my freind.

At 11:11, Blogger Jo said...

Thanks Matt, You were(and are) a good friend.

At 13:09, Blogger Kim said...

Oh Jodi, what a precious photo.

Ari has those memories, too. She may not be concious of them, but they are part of her.

Thank God Mike was able to see her and have some time with her.

He sounds like he was a great guy....

At 00:42, Blogger WI Catholic said...


My son was ten months old when his dad left. Though he 'had him' to visit, he did not have him as a parent, and when he was not yet three, my son cried himself to sleep saying "Daddy daddy daddy, I yub you, why dont you yub me?"

And I cried with him. Children know and realize so much more than we as adults give them credit for. Ari is blessed to know that Daddy did not leave because he wanted to leave her. He left because he was so very ill that he could not stay.

That does not take away the pain of missing him for her. Missing just having a daddy. Missing what others have, or at least what she can see for now, of what others have. And you can not only tell her, but also SHOW her in those pictures, etc, that he loved her. THAT is the most important aspect. He loved her. The picture you chose to put here shows that in a way that makes it very clear. He comfortably held her while both slept. She trusted him enough to snuggle in and rest on his chest. He loved her.

My son did not feel that love for many many years, and still doubts it deep down. This is because of things that happened as he grew up that were choices his Dad made that clearly put ambivalence into the picture (things kids notice, like... they got a ten speed for their tenth bday from you... why didn't I?... you came to get us when they came, but when they didn't, you 'had car trouble' and never came for me if it was only me going.... nearly everytime it was only me going....?)

It hurts, Jodi, because you also do miss him, just as you said at the end. But it also hurts just because you cannot fix this boo boo and make it better for Ari. But you did exactly the right thing for her, and for you together. You shared with her that part of him that belonged to her alone via pictures and video.

And you let her cry. You let her talk. You let her express her fears. Someday, she may even express anger...and that one may also hurt, because you know that there was nothing more that could be done. It may also come at a time when you least expect it. Most things do.

Hang in there, Jodi. You are doing a good job being a Mom. It is not fun doing it alone, regardless of how that came about. The trust of a child is a very precious gift. Ari trusts.

God bless!

At 14:39, Anonymous Anonymous said...

a tender post, i am sorry for your pain. i can remember crying all day when i realized my grandparents would die one day.

At 22:48, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Jody......I'm so sorry. What a great photo! Thank you for sharing!

At 13:43, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't say anymore or express it better than WICATHOLIC's post. Bless, Peace & Hapiness to both Ari & yourself. xxxxxxxxx


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